Not Defined by My Mascara (thank you for sharing this..........i've copied from a 'sister'.
I was never a crier.

I took great pride in that truth, it just wasn't cool.

But then, my sons died and I couldn't stop crying.

In the car, in the bed, at the table in the restaurant, at church, outside, inside, everywhere in between, I cried.

I have been fighting my way back to that "non-crier" status. I remember feeling strong before and I'm longing to be that girl again.

Every single day, I pause and contemplate which mascara to choose. Waterproof or not waterproof? Lately, I've been feeling a little brave and a bit rebellious as I grab the navy blue tube that tells me I will not cry today. And most days, I don't. I don't want to be a sad girl. I don't want to be the sensitive one that people tiptoe around. I want to be honest and genuine and true, but I also want to be real and tender and pliable between the fingers of my God. I want Him to go right ahead and make me into whatever He wants me to be.

Then I want Him to use me, no matter how I protest. Eight years ago, I thought an eternity would have passed by now. But, the thing is, it just really hasn't. The way the Lord has moved through my life has been so beautiful and downright breathtaking and you won't find a more grateful girl than me. But, oh how I still miss my boys!

It's hard. I'm scared. I'm tired. And it hurts.

And, as the song says, I know who wants to be the One I run to first. It's not my lifelong friend. It's not my mentor. It's not even my man. It's my Father. He wants me to run to Him first. He must watch me run to and fro with this scarred up heart, shaking His head and wishing I would just reach for Him like I should. I find great comfort in knowing He knows my heart and the truth that lies there, because if all He knew was all others see... whew.

The emotional roller coaster continues, I am just learning to be a quieter passenger. I don't scream so often anymore. I have been up these hills and plummeted to these lows so many times now that I just hold on tight and trust they'll pass, just like the long, straight stretches do. Still, sometimes I reach a point where my head is spinning and my stomach has flipped one too many times and I find myself weary and spent, begging to get off this grief ride. The navy blue tube of mascara fails me and black streams stain my cheeks again, marking me as the broken woman I am.

But, you know what? There's beauty there, too.

We're all broken. If the light shines on us long enough, the cracks will show.

It's what we do with those cracks - and those tears - that matter. Do we let them transform us into something we never could have been before? Do we let them cleanse our eyes, that we might see more clearly than before? Do we let them spur us on toward good deeds and great purpose? Do those scars remind us to push through the pain? Do our memories ask us what we are afraid of?

Maintaining a facade is exhausting work.Time spent pretending is precious time wasted.

We'll never be given this second again.

My boys taught me that.

Tears might equal weakness, but my weakness equals His strength.

I don't know about you, but I think I'll just let my tears roll when they may and I'll offer the pain that comes with them as a sacrifice to my Lord. I'll bite my lips, push my shoulders back, put one foot in front of the other, and I'll keep on keepin' on.

I think I might be a crier after all.

But only for a little while.

Whucha' Dooooooooin'?

WOWZA!!! Where did May go?????? You wouldn't believe my calendar/planner........noone could read it but me as we were going this way, going that way, meeting ourselves coming and going. We were at the school more times in May than we were the rest of the year with all of the........

Music group concerts

Rock and Worship Roadshow......just to name one (watch for another post of ALL we've been to)

field trips

Austin's class at the Nature Center



track meets

awards assemblies

5th grade 'girls' movie (sorry no pics)

band/honor choir concerts

Super Kids Field Days

a pretend birthday party

(for that summer bday)

family 'vacation' to

The Dalton Gang Museum

Woolaroc Ranch

(that's another post in itself, so check back)

etc...............................................

Ahhhhhhhhhh, SUMMER!! This week the kiddos have been out in KS with my sister and sister-in-law. I heard from them last night and I think the 7 days was the most they've ever been away from Man-of-Mine and me. Sooooooooooo, needless to say, they are (called just last night, again) ready to come back home. I'm certain that they love their hostesses and cousins, but I just know they must be absolutely be wore down---draggin' tired!! I can't wait to see them Saturday!!

Now, to the title of this post. What have I been doin'? I've been busy chasing kids, doing some custom sewing pieces and...................drumroll, please.....................I have gone back to work full-time. I swore when my kiddos all got into school that I would go back, and the 'just right' job opportunity was presented to me so I hopped on it. Let me say that I love it and especially the ladies that are in the office with me. They couldn't have been more welcoming during my first week. I'm excited to get up in the mornings and look forward to this being a long-term career position. Oh............................where am I employed you ask? Ozark Christian College as a Financial Aid Counselor. Yes, it is outside my degree, yes, it is working with numbers and pushing papers, and yes, I am really enjoying my training, seeing things go full circle and actually kindof understanding some of the uh-ma-zingly complex process of a college student receiving financial aid.

I also wanted to share some of the custom pieces I've done the last several months:

If you've made it this far, THANK YOU!! I will try and do a better job of making individual posts, I have a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng list of topics, but just not enough time.

Happy Birthday Baby Aaron!!

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

~Watermark

It Is Well With My Soul!

I have always loved this song, it being on my FAV's list, and after going to the Women of Joy Conference this past weekend and hearing/seeing the very gifted music group "Selah", I learned why God has place this song in my heart!!

This is a version of the story behind the song that I found online.

Horatio Spafford was a 43 year old lawyer. He lived in a north side suberb of Chicago with his wife, Anna, and their five children.

In 1871, his only son died.

A few months later, the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 consumed Spafford's real estate investments. He lost his entire life savings.

Two years later, Spafford and his family decided to take a vacation to Europe. However, Spafford was delayed by last minute business.

He sent his wife and 4 daughters on the S.S. Ville Du Havre as scheduled, promising to follow in a few days.

On November 22, 1873, the ship was struck by an iron sailing vessel, and it sank in 12 minutes. 226 people were killed.

When the survivors of the shipwreck landed in Europe, Spafford cabled her husband, "Saved alone. What shall I do?"

Spafford immediately left Chicago to bring his wife home.

In the midst of his sorrow, while sailing near the place of his daughters' deaths, he wrote the words to the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul".

In spite of their tragedy, in 1881 the Spafford's moved to Jerusalem to meet the needs of the people. Through their service, the Spafford's were able to share Christ with the local Muslim and Jewish communities.

There Will be a Day Devotional

(pause sidebar playlist first, then push play on video, then go back to the sidebar playlist to hear the whole song)

Ok, All! Listen, don't just 'hear', but LISTEN!




Revelation 21:4
"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There shall be no more death nor sorrow nor crying, there shall be no more pain for the former things have passed away."

Romans 8:18-19, 25
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed to us, for the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the Sons of God, but if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."

Don't Lose heart!!
THIS IS NOT OUR HOME, IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY!!!!

~~Jeremy Camp

8 years ago..............

8 stupid loooooooooooonnnnnnnng years (almost to the minute) ago.......................my world changed, my family changed, my heart changed, I changed.................

I know it is truly not stupid. I know there must be a reason, I'm just not good at looking for the reason right now.

Happy Birthday, Precious Baby Boy!!!

John 'Adam'

XOXO

A QUILT OF HOLES.....

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before
the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a
quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing
our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I
noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was.
They were filled with giant holes.
Each square was labeled with a part of my life that
had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was
faced with in every day life.
I saw hardships that I endured, which were the
largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other
than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were
filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly
fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together,
threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed,
held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others
rose; each in turn, holding up
their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel
looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had
all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and
laughter. But there had also been
trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that
took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over
many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit,
only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and
begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer,
asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been
held up to ridicule, which I
endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father
in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the
judgmental gaze of those who
unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was,
and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to
the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the
others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded
the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then
our Lord stood before me,
with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time
you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My
hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside
and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than
there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ
to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life ...it's up to
you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and
who you refuse to let go.'

"THANKS, DAD!!"

A Little Busy...........

I am really staying busy, but I'm disappointed that I just can't do it all!

There are several things on my plate right now, and once the girls' activities start up, they'll be added to the top of the list. Please know that I am not complaining about having too many things to do, I am just sad that I can't add the other 4/5 things that I'd really luuuuuuuv to do, to the list. I love being able to keep my mind occupied, not dwelling on personal issues. Let me share:

• FIRST AND FOREMOST~~My kiddos have started back up in school and so have their activities. Adi is playing junior high volleyball and is cheering, too. That will keep her busy, but I know she will love it and excel in all that she does. Audra will be starting volleyball. She was reluctant to sign up because she said it is boring. She is the type that needs to be moving-every minute! Her favorite sport is basketball and lemme' tell ya', she's gonna be good! She may be little, but she is quick!! Austin started kindygarden as so far has not thrown a fit about going. His best buddy is in his class so I think that plays a major role! He won't get to do any sports during the school year, but will do baseball this summer.



• Shepherd On The Hill Daycare~~I have the perfect job!!! I do childcare in my home for teacher friends. This way, I still have my summers off!! Smart, eh? Well, let me say that last year I thought I had the perfect group of wee-wonders, but........this year, considering a 100% turnover, I am truly blessed in that this new collection will give the previous group a run for their money. I would love to share pics of them, but I don't think mamas and dadas would appreciate that! Great kiddos come from great parents!! I just can't say enough about how great the kiddos are and how much I connect with the parents!! What a true blessing from God!!

• Adam' Harvest~~I still do my 'thing' in the designing/creating community with Adam's Harvest. I have a two day show, Children's Miracle Network's Miracle Market, next Friday and Saturday at the mall. I have asked Nathalie and Rachael to join in and so we will be sharing a booth space for tutus and bows!! I am sooooooooo excited about this, I just can't hardly stand it. I love the craft fair environment!! Meeting new people, chit chatting, seeing the older ladies look at and figure out that my things are made from the vintage chenilles and pillowcases and tablecloths, and sheets, and table runners, etc..... it's priceless! I did a show at a different mall 4 years ago and had a really good outcome, so I'm especially psyched! We will do another one for CMN again in mid-November. I also sell on etsy.com and just a tad on ebay. It's so hard for me to build up a large inventory if I sell on these sites, but I like having an online shop to share with people at the shows so then they can share with others, too.






• NILMDTS~~An organization that has been very dear and near to my heart the past 18 months is Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. This organization is made up of photographers who volunteer their time to go to the hospitals and work directly with the parents who have lost a babe. I am the Area Parent Coordinator for the SW MO area. You must go to their webpage to learn more to hopefully become involved with them and help spread the information to get more volunteer photographers. I will forewarn you, it will be an emotional journey that will touch your life forever. I was not able to benefit from their services as I didn't find out about them until after we lost our second son, Aaron, but I have been in contact with Cheryl, the lady who started it and her heart is gold. We had a meeting last night at the hospital and I found out there that one photographer has already got the paperwork started, jumped through all the 'hoops' and it would be implemented in one of our area hospitals today!! There are 2 other hospitals we will be meeting with to hopefully get them on board, too.




• The Vision~~A friend of mine and his wife asked me to be a part of a Music Worship Group with them. We have been meeting at their house for the past 3 months working on songs that we can eventually take out share with the small town we live by. There is such a need to bring people in this town closer to a more personal relationship with our Lord and we're hoping to be able to be a step in that direction. Talk about some amazing, totally uh~maz~ing!, truly gifted music artists. We have a drummer who can't read music, he just hears it and knows it. Then there's our lead singer who is the high school band/choir teacher. Of course we have Ronnie and Kristi who are our spiritual warriors. And then there's me who can'ty make it through a practice without shedding a tear. I was raised in a very musical family so my emotions are lead by music. It is one of the most personal ways for me to share my expression of love for My God. We are hoping this can lead into a small group study time, which can eventually lead into a bigger group time which will add to our community being a stronger body of Christ.




• Emotional Healing~~Finally, as you know because you are here, I try and keep up with my blog. I find that it is healing for me to share with others how I am feeling, what I've been up to, etc..... I realize there are people who don't care but honestly, I don't do it for others, I do it for me. (even if I am the only reader) Please feel comfortable to leave a comment on any and all posts. I would love to hear from you!
  

Sooooooooooo sorry about the long post, I just wanted to let you know that if I don't answer my phone at a particular time, it may be that I'm a little busy.............

AND LOVIN' IT!!

Kennedy and Friends Co.

Now that we are talking craft shows, I can't forget my new 'tutu' friend!

I found Miss Nathalie , better known as 'Kennedy & Friends Co.' on Etsy, 4 months ago and she has some BEAUTIFUL things! She lives in a town just 1.5 hours away from me. She sells her tutus for your little princess' in her Etsy shop and she does handmade dolls, too. I don't know that she sells the dolls or just makes them for friends and family. Either way, they are cute, cute, cute!!

And, it shouldn't surprise you that, we worked out a trade!

I have been needing something to fill out under the skirts that I make. I use a mannequin to take pictures for my auctions and the tutu helps the skirts poof out and look full. I thought one of her tutus would work and...............it's perfect!!

She saw a skirt in my Etsy shop and we agreed to trade.

Then, she also asked me to make a coordinating kimono style top. It turned out too cute!! I didn't take a picture of it (bummer!) before I sent it but she took one of the skirt. The top is still a little big on Miss Kennedy so I can't wait to see the complete set once she grows into it.

Miss Nathalie is a total sweetheart! Actually, I asked her back then if she would be interested in doing some shows with me, and she said yes! With us going on vacation for 2 weeks, her finishing up college classes, and her moving, we are still trying to find a time to get together. I know I will see her on Sept. 5/6 as we will be doing a show at the mall.

I'M SOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!

Miss Nathalie is nothing but a sweet, sweet friend. I am totally humbled to have such creative friends in my life!

'HE' never ceases to amaze me!!

He, being our Lord and Savior above!!!

Sooooooo, I have 2 open spots in my home daycare. I always try to watch teachers' kids so then I get the Summer off. Sooooooooo, I stop by the school and ask the secretary if she could put out a message to all the teachers letting them know about the 2 open spots. Our district turned over 10 certified positions, which is HUGE for our small school. This was my best chance, and quickest, of getting in contact with all the new staff.

I leave the school, stop by the Dari Cream (after just hearing that after 2 years of their soft-serve machine being broke-they'd been serving ice cream out of tubs from Sam's-that they finally fixed it so are back to serving soft-serve. You have to understand, I live in a town of 1000, this is the only joint in town that even sells 'eat now' ice cream. The convenience store and grocery store are the only 2 options of any chance of getting any ice cream period.) and head home. After being there for 15-20 minutes, I received a phone message from a new teacher, Miss Rachael. She lives in a surrounding town, has a 3 yr old and sounds delightful! We set up a time to meet, yesterday morning, and I can't believe what is about to take place...............

Her kids are gorgeous! Very well mannered, and then, as she gets ready to leave she asks, "Do you sew?"

"Yes," I said.

"Do you sell on ebay?"

"Yes," I said in amazement that she would even ask. There isn't anyone around here that I know of who does the 'boutique custom community' gig. Half of my friends don't even know that I do sew children's clothing, quilts, bibs, diaper bags/totes, and etc...... let alone sell them on ebay, etsy and at local craft shows and boutiques.

"SO DO I!" she says. She doesn't sew, but she makes hair bows. Her seller id is bowcrazybowtique. ADORABLE hair bows at that! She is in several selling groups on ebay, she sells on etsy, too, and said she will give me the name of a couple other online boutiques that she uses.

SMALL WORLD!!! GIRLFRIENDS!!!

When I started selling 5 years ago, a friend and I did the craft show thing together with her making coordinating bows for my outfits. We had such a good time and I miss Jenner dearly, as she moved to Bella Vista, Arkansas. Sooooooooo, this is really cool to find another friend to possibly do some shows with.

Rachael is very good at her graphics and templates and html, etc...... that I mentioned that I'm sure we could do some trading of outfits for teaching me some of the techy things.

Later in the evening, after we shared our seller id's with each other, we were reading up on each other more. She read my About Me page and immediatley sent me a message.





Come to find out, she has suffered several miscarriages, childloss, and infertility, ...just as I have.




NOW THIS IS GOD AT WORK, lemme' tell ya'!






I am very excited about how we can become friends, learn from each other, teach each other, be there for each other and still be able to use our God Given creative talents to enjoy our lives.



...............and to Him I say, "THANK YOU!!"